My Life (so far):
I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, they have become the party guests who refuse to leave. At a young age, I obviously had no clue or really any means to figure out what was wrong with me, plus being an overweight kid prevented me from opening up about things because I was already dealing with so much. I wonder all the time how much I would’ve avoided if I had any education of mental illness as a kid. Depression and anxiety were always being confused with lazy and moody by my family. The times I was petrified to leave the house or the times I avoided contact with anyone were usually met with the response “get over it”. It was extremely hard during those times.
I remember when I was 11-12 years old, I tried to strangle myself with a cord because of the absolute terror I felt going to school. For me, at that time, my being dead was an easier choice than dealing with so many fears. The few safe outlets I had to escape feeling that way were music and comedy. I would just put headphones on and forget life for a while, or watch a funny movie. Both were very helpful, but I needed much more later on in life.
My suicide attempts increased and were usually followed by prayers to God to please end my life because the pain was so unbearable. My anxiety has ruined friendships, and my depression was a huge catalyst in ending my marriage. The coping techniques I was trying weren’t very healthy, I was drinking frequently and I had developed a dependency on pain pills. For me, the suicide attempts were a reflection of how worthless I felt, and that was manifested by terrible relationships and failed attempts at relationships. I kept failing, but I always kept trying. It was if I was stuck deep underwater and I was instinctually fighting to get my head above water. I always felt if I could see clearly mentally, I’d be able to figure out a way to defeat this 2 headed monster and live a happier life.
I started by quitting drinking and taking pain pills, and I developed a love of meditation. Just focusing on the quiet and emptiness made the clutter disappear, if only for a short time. Music is still a huge part of my life, and I’ve created a persona on social media of who I’m trying to be personally, a persona rooted in humor, intelligence, and self-awareness. I’ve begun to open up more about my demons so people will understand when I’m not “acting” like myself. I’ve tried to educate myself about my situation by reading and by writing down thoughts when I’m feeling extremely depressed and anxious. I’ve also come to the realization that this is something I’ll always deal with, it’s something that will never go away regardless of how much medicine I take. I’ve also become more empathetic with others dealing with depression and anxiety, and I try to be a good example by working to make their days better. If I can create a place of happiness for someone then I fill my life up with more good vibes.
My advice to you all who are suffering from depression and anxiety is to be fearless, be understanding, and know that everything is temporary. The time will come when you can have your moments and not have them ruin your entire day, and when that happens, you’ll see how much worth you have, and how important you are to everyone who loves you. You are way stronger than you give yourself credit for, and nobody is alone when they have God in their lives. I believe in you.
Joe is an aspiring author, who has helped write and performed in several award-winning short films from Office Rocker Productions, including such classics as Beyond the Music , Game Night, and Lettuce Break Bread. He is a music aficionado, whose knowledge base includes even the obscurest of bands. He spends his days cheering on his favorite sports teams, making those around him laugh with his quirky sense of humor, and just being Joe.
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